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Feb. 27th, 2014


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Five weeks.

It had been five weeks since they had sex.

Just the one time. Life got busy and people had plans and after a week or so it became awkward. She hated to bring it up and who knows what he felt.

Being a neurotic female, she had all kinds of reasons built up in her head - their age difference, his job was demanding, she was too clingy or needy or not enough for him. The fact was she had no idea why he didn't ask her over. Make her dinner. Take her to bed.

Oh they talked to each other. And actually went out a few times - dinner mostly. One time it was coffee on a Sunday afternoon. And the spark was there, for her at least. He did smile when he saw her, laughed at her jokes, even held her hand a few times. But that was all and it left her feeling disappointed.

The phone call about being his "plus one" for the big gala dinner came as a surprise.

"You realize that's a formal event. Where people dress up and get their picture taken and sit through a dinner."

He let out a small puff of air. "Yes I do realize that. And yet I'm still asking. What's your answer?"

She took two slow breaths. "Well okay sure."

"Well okay sure?"

"Yes. The answer is yes." A pause. "Do we need to color coordinate or something? Because I frankly only have black dresses."

Now he laughed. "I am happy with whatever you choose."

"Also that's next weekend. Late notice?"

"Yes and I'm sorry about that."

"Yea well..."

She fussed for an hour over her hair, eventually just piling it on top of her head and praying. He was coming to pick her up which wasn't out of the ordinary for him. He's a gentleman. Opens her door, pulls out her chair, pays for dinner. One might think she didn't appreciate those things. But one would be wrong. It was nice being taken care of for once, to not have to think about those kinds of things.

The doorbell rang. Suddenly her mouth was dry and nerves were in full force. He looked dapper in his tux. With a black tie and cummerbund.

He breathed. "You look beautiful."

"Yes well let me grab my purse."

The lobby was busy with people - eating, drinking, talking, getting their picture taken. He knew more people there than she did but that was okay with her. Because he was holding her hand. Unashamed and blatantly right in front of people. She could barely breathe.

Mutual friends came over to ooh and aah over dresses and tuxes. Love the dress, love the shoes, that necklace is beautiful. He drew her close, arm wrapped around her waist and a kiss on her temple.

Then she walked over. All blonde and legs and short dress. The room got hot.

"Excuse me."

She scurried off, hearing him say her name faintly. The bathroom was a welcome place. A couch to sit on. Her hands were shaking and her head pounded. Maybe this was a bad idea, maybe he made a mistake. Or she did. There was definitely a mistake in this situation somewhere.

"Hey? He's looking for you."

Her head came up from the back of the couch. "How long have I been in here?"

"Don't know but he seemed worried."

Shit. Deep breath before walking across the lobby. His brow is furrowed and his eyes glance over her.

"You okay?"

"Yes of course. Why?"

"You disappeared. For over ten minutes. I finally had to send someone in. Are you sure?"

She forced a smile. "Of course. We should go in and find our table."

Their table was located in middle and slightly to the left. No one was seated yet and he headed to the bar for a refill. A few folks came over and eventually the friends they were seated with made it inside the ballroom.

"So? Where is he?"

She rolled her eyes. "At the bar. And stop it. It's not a thing, it's just..."

"Just what?"

"Nevermind. Here he comes."

He smiled and sat next to her. Another kiss to her temple and a hand holding hers in his lap. If she closed her eyes, it felt almost normal. Like every other couple in the room who loved and lived. His hands are large and his arms are strong. She ran her other hand up his arm, squeezed and sighed. He chuckled in her ear.

"You like?"

"Shut up. You know I highly approve of your arms."

His breath tickled her ear and a kiss under her jaw. "I highly approve of your everything."

And there it was. The utter confidence and appreciation of her. Her just as she was and would ever be. Hard to believe that this immensely attractive, successful man wanted her. And if he wanted her so badly, why hadn't he taken her? In a manly fashion, to say. Because that's exactly what he did five weeks ago. He possessed her several times in one evening and she wasn't entirely sure that he gave her back in one piece.

"Is this where you're sitting? We are much closer to the stage." Her voice is sparkly and cute. Her dress is also sparkly and short. Not as cute. And you can't notice anything but those legs. And her hair.

She jerked her hand away from his and a flash of hurt crossed his face before he turned to make small talk.

The moment is gone. Perhaps that is for the best. The room is hot again. Can they not control the temperature in here?

"I'll be back."

Doubt he noticed, so enthralled in conversation with the leggy blonde. As soon as the doors to the lobby open, she gulps in air. Flopping down onto one of the settees, her heartbeat slows eventually.

Who is she kidding? This was a stupid idea. One evening will not help her forget all the other evenings of doubt and despair. Just have fun, just enjoy the moment. How is that possible when she knows what it is like on the other side? To have him and now to doubt everything.

A different friend came this time.

"What are you doing out here?"

"Trying not to have a panic attack. You?"

"She's still talking to him. Is she blind? Didn't she see you sitting there?"

"Unlikely. Attention whore. Doesn't matter who it is either."

"Well he's drowning. You should save him."

"He's a grown man. He can save himself." She cringed. It sounded so heartless.

"Maybe. But you need to stop this...this doubt. He's smitten with you. You have to know that."

"I don't have to know anything. And how would you know?"

"Because at the last board meeting he cornered me and wanted to know what he had done wrong."

"Wait what? What did he mean?"

"He's just as insecure about this relationship as you are. So be honest."

The doors to the ballroom opened and he came striding towards them.

"I'll leave you two alone." The friend stood and waved.

"No wait! Shit."

He smiled at the friend and reached for her. "You left me alone in there."

"Yes well you seemed fine without me."

"Not true. I am worthless without you."

"That's a bit dramatic..."

Another smile. "Maybe. But I invited you to this dinner and that means I want to spend time with you."

"Is that so? Funny."

"Funny? In what way?"

She crossed her arms, steeling herself for this conversation. "Five weeks."


"Five weeks. Or have you forgotten?"

His eyes softened. "I have not forgotten. How could I?"

"Well, seems like you have."

"That's not true and you know that. Our schedules have been busy."

"Busy schedules? That's the excuse you're going to use?"

He closed his eyes. When the opened, she almost cracked. "No. And I am sorry. No excuses. At first I didn't want to assume too much. And then time passed and it felt like maybe this was a way to give you an out."

"An out? What do I need that for?"

"What are you doing with an old man like me?"

She hated it when he said those things. Her fists clenched and she felt like stamping her foot. "That is not true! You are not old and I refuse to listen to this if you're going to keep saying that. You are a coward."



"Yes I am a coward. I'm sorry."

"Stop it then. Talk to me."

"This wasn't supposed to happen. You and your laugh. I was prepared to live the rest of my life alone."

She pulled him closer by his lapels. "You don't have to. It doesn't have to be me but you don't have to be alone."

"Will you do it? Will you keep me company in my old age?"

"Stop it! You're not..."

She was silenced by his kiss. His arms wrapping around her waist and hers winding around his neck. And the world disappeared for a few minutes. So cliche but its actually true.

When they pulled apart he had lipstick on his lips and she could only imagine what her face looked like. She frowned in concentration while she wiped off his face.

"I'm sure I look a mess."

He smiled and kissed her cheek. "You look beautiful but yes technically your lipstick is a little messy now."

"I'll just stop in the bathroom. And no, you won't have to send someone in after me."

Oct. 29th, 2008


New Friends

Thanks to those who friended me.

Have fun!!

Oct. 3rd, 2007


Meeting the Band

He was tall and dark. She was short and round. A mutual friend thought they should meet. He's in a band, plays the bass guitar. Oh lord. Musicians...what an interesting and angsty lot they are.

He's different. Extremely intelligent, funny and witty. Fairly easy on the eyes with a killer smile. What the hell would he want with her? But when he looks at her, really looks at her with those dark eyes, she's lost. The mutual friend could tell at once.

They met at a bar. Sounds cliche, but its true. The mutual friend told her that the band was playing and that she should really meet this guy. Our heroine musters all her courage and drives to the bar. At 10:00 at night. Something else you should know about our heroine -- she's getting old. Okay, not really but in her mind she has moved past the late nights at bars and drinking till all hours of the morning. Leaving her comfy house at 10:00 in the evening is bothersome. But she goes with the promise of something (or rather someone) interesting.

She's introduced to the rest of the band, smiling and making small talk. She's heard them play before and they are loads of fun to watch. Her eyes scan the surrounding areas, looking for Mystery Man. Mutual friend is highly amused by this. And then her eyes stop.

Striding across the room is a tall man with dark hairs and eyes to match. He wears a black t-shirt, jeans and carries the bass guitar, slung over one shoulder. And a helmet. A motorcycle helmet. Her heart clogs her throat.

He is not dashing or debonair or even handsome. He's on the skinny side, but not without some meat. He has glasses, but it adds to the charm. When he clasps her hand in greeting, the grip is strong and confidant. And those eyes...

The band performs and the crowd loves them. Rock and roll songs, oldies and original songs fill out the set. They take a break and he ducks into the bathroom. Watching him play gives her a whole other side to him. He moves back and forth with the beat, a smile on his face as he connects with his fellow band members. They all happen to be related, but there seems to be more than just family connections. He is enjoying himself, laughing with the crowd and feeling the groove. A few times his eyes lock with hers, a smile creeping into the corners. She shyly smiles back, swaying with the music and snapping her fingers.

The second set pushes forward, more music and more drinks are had by all. As the band finishes, the crowd is sad to see the end. The bar starts to empty as the band packs up their gear. She hangs back a bit, talking with the mutual friend about work and school and friends. As he assist with the clean-up, he steals a few glances her way. The first thing he noticed about her was her smile. Second, her eyes. Green as the grass after a good rain, sparkling like the raindrops left on the blades. Her smile reaches her eyes, causing little crinkles in the corners. He wonders what those crinkles would taste like.

Everything is packed and the band starts to load up the truck. Our two would-be lovers awkwardly glance at each other as the conversation swirls around them. Congratulations on an excellent performance are exchanged and everyone heads towards the parking lot. She feels a hand encircle her wrist.

He smiles. She smiles.

"I was wondering if perhaps we could, you know, or if I could maybe, if you wanted, to get together sometime?" His smile fades slightly, waiting for the rejection.

Her heart creeps its way back up into her throat and she has to swallow before any noise will come out her mouth.


Ahh, such a simple word yet it carries so much more than just an affirmative answer.

She writes her number down on a scrap piece of paper that he folds neatly and puts in his pocket. He wants to kiss her goodnight, although this wasn't really a date. He's just so curious what those lips taste like...what other parts of her taste like.

"Goodnight. Excellent performance." She touches his left arm, right above his elbow, and turns to her car.

A spark starts in his arm and spreads throughout his body. Not until she is driving out of the parking lot do his feet force him towards his own car.

Yes. Patting the sacred scrap of paper in his pocket, he starts his car and heads home. He falls asleep still grinning from ear to ear.

Feb. 1st, 2007



She stared at the headstone, waiting. Waiting for...something, some kind of feeling. Regret? Remorse? No, none of that. There was no regret or remorse when it came to him. Every moment was a treasure, and the ones that weren't had become buried just like he was, six feet under and rose colored. No, she waited for something else. A sign that it was over, that she could move on.

Thirty years ago they met. Twenty years ago they fell in love. Two days ago he died. Complications, they say, from diabetes. She always thought diabetes was something manageable, and for some it is. For him, it was stronger, more deadly. It didn't help that he would forget insulin or forget to watch what he ate. But that birthday cake was so magnificent and sinful that he couldn't pass it up...just one slice, he would say. She would shake her head but his 100-watt smile would melt her.

He loved her in a way no one else could have. She never felt alone, even when she would be all alone in their house. His presence was everywhere, permeating all fabric with his smell. And that smell was intoxicating, like a drug but better. She smiled, remembering what he looked like, laying peacefully in bed before the alarm. For almost twenty years she had woken up mere moments before the alarm, and for twenty years she would watch his face in those last moments of sleep. Even as he aged, his face never changed. The skin was smooth even when it was rough. The alarm rang and his eyes would slowly open, revealing warm brown pools one could get lost in. She did, get lost that is. Frequently. Oh, how she would kill to see those eyes again, to lose herself again.

Now she just felt empty. Empty is very different from lost. Empty is an ache, a dull ache that stays with you throughout the day. A pit in your stomach that cannot be eased and food only makes it worse. In the past two days she's had toast. Twice. Its amazing that she can stand, here in the cold, staring at that headstone.

"Beloved husband and son."

They never had children. A mutual decision.

She forces herself to turn and walk back to the car. Its cold, windy. How appropriate. As she gets in the car, she feels a touch...soft and light as air, brushing her hair behind her ear. It's him, his touch. It's not over, she thinks. It will never be over and she'll never move on.

Nov. 21st, 2006


Long Time

I realized today that I haven't posted in this journal in a long time.

Things are changing and shifting, but I still want to keep this journal and see what happens.

I will try to remember this more often and write some thoughts here.

For anyone who is new, this is a writing journal I started to release all those stories I have floating around in my head. They start to drive me crazy after a while.

Here's hoping something good comes out of this.

Nov. 11th, 2005


Have you ever...

Have you ever tried to hold your eyelids open with toothpicks?

Have you ever tried to figure something out and ended up hurting your brain?

Have you ever wanted to get in a car and just drive until you don't know where you are anymore?

Have you ever wanted to just be next to the person of your desires and its consumed your every thought, all day long?

Have you ever gone through the day in such a daze that you don't remember what just happened?

And more importantly, have you ever been loved? Because I haven't. And I sit here waiting patiently for that day to happen.

Sep. 18th, 2005



Have you ever felt alone?

Truly and utterly alone?

Sitting in the middle of a crowded room, I am alone.
Watching the people walk by with smiles and blond hair and tummys showing.
I wonder how they see me -- do they see me? Perhaps I am invisible. Unnoticeable.

You are one of those people. And when you say things to me like "Let's have lunch on Sunday" I find it hard to believe you.
You fit in.
You belong.
You are one of "them."

Yet you notice me.
Something is wrong there. Something is seriously wrong there.

Apr. 5th, 2004


Anonymous Sex Thread

A great idea borrowed from pleiaditictryst, a brilliant woman.

The idea is to write something, anything, involving sex, love, etc...but as an anonymous comment. No names, no worries.

Pass the word along.


Mar. 29th, 2004



janetsue's Accidental LJ Haiku
off eyelids feeling
droopy he notices and
slides his body
Find your own LJ Haiku

Haiku! by hutta

Maybe this will futhur inspire me. Hmm. Probably not. :)

Nov. 10th, 2003



Sorry I havent written anything recently. Life got busy and I got forgetful.


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